


Figuring It Out

by SilverWolf7



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Anger, Companions, Could be seen as, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Neurodivergent Doctor (Doctor Who), Nothing gets figured out at all, Post-Episode: Revolution of the Daleks, Sadness, Talking about Companions Leaving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:40:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28954347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverWolf7/pseuds/SilverWolf7
Summary: The Doctor is angry and sad and lost.  Yaz is angry at her and sad Ryan and Graham left.She has no idea how to deal with emotions.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan
Comments: 22
Kudos: 9





	Figuring It Out

**Author's Note:**

> Started this the day after it aired. Just finished it. 
> 
> First proper story from me with Thirteen. Also, first time I have truly written Doctor Who in years. Wow.

It had been a bad day.

Of course, considering how much more exercise she had gotten from just being out of the cell that had become her norm, it shouldn't be a bad day. But, Daleks, missing ten months with the Fam and then losing two of them...

She took a deep breath, plastered a fake smile on her face and turned to Yaz who was still at her side and staring at the closed door of the TARDIS. "Come on then, Yaz. I have eaten very little in the past decade or so. And it was always the same thing. I want proper food."

Yaz looked at her and gave her own fake smile, before she nodded. "Yeah, sure, Doctor. Let's go get food. Outside or in here?"

She shook her head, got them in flight and let out a sigh. They were gone anyway, Graham and Ryan, there was no use waiting for them. May as well rip off that bandaid now. "Let's just stay in today. I want to spend time with the Old Girl here. The poor TARDIS has been alone for too long. It's probably one of the reasons she made me 10 months late..."

Okay she was really having trouble moving on from being that late. She couldn't blame Yaz from shoving her at all for that one. She probably wasn't making that any nicer a blow to Yaz either by saying the words she had just said.

She grimaced and turned to her only companion left. She didn't think she'd be able to stand it if Yaz decided to leave her now too. Not over some stupid words. "Which I'm still sorry for, just so you know. I really didn't mean that." 

Yaz sighed loudly but nodded. "Yeah, Doctor, I've got that. Come on then, let's see what food you've got on board that's not off."

She couldn't really help herself. She grabbed Yaz's hand and dragged her to the kitchen. A huge part of her she really didn't want to examine too close right now knew it was because she really couldn't be alone right then. She needed the stability Yaz would bring her.

Yaz sat down in her seat, while the Doctor went through cupboards and the fridge looking for non perishables. In the end she ended up with a tin of biscuits that hadn't gone stale and a tin of hot chocolate powder, so she didn't need to worry about milk. The TARDIS was still obviously in a snit, as she was refusing to make food appear.

It was supposed to be her first proper meal and instead she was eating biscuits out of the tin with only one of her Fam there to do so. Still, at least she had hot chocolate to drink afterwards. And it was comfort food.

She needed a lot of comfort right then.

"I know I keep saying it, but it's okay to be upset over Ryan and Graham leaving," Yaz said at her place, after finishing a biscuit of her own. "I'm upset they left too."

The Doctor laid her head down on her hands to stop herself from hitting the table. "I know that. It's not just that though. It's everything else to go with it."

Yaz looked closely at her and nodded. "You did mention decades in a space prison. It's okay to be angry at them too."

Letting out her breath in a rush, she shook her head. "That's the thing. I had talked to Ryan about this earlier. I was already angry, I'm not angry at them for leaving. At least I wasn't and now I don't know any more. I'm confused and yes, upset and angry and I just wanted to come back to what's been normal, but nothing's normal now."

Yaz leaned over and rested a hand over hers. "You want to talk about it with me?"

Groaning, the Doctor lifted her head up and shook her head. "Not particularly, but likely will anyway. I had just found out something about myself that I had no idea was even a thing and then was dumped in jail as soon as I reached my TARDIS to go to where I sent you."

Yaz nodded at her, patted her hand, before she leaned back in her own chair, contact suddenly gone. The Doctor had to stop herself from leaning forwards and gripping at her friend's hands and clinging to her. 

"I was already angry. I've had a lot of companions in my time, Yaz. I've lost so many and I'm usually not angry at it. I don't want to be angry with them for leaving when I know I normally wouldn't be."

Nodding, Yaz grabbed another biscuit form the tin and begun to turn it into crumbs between her fingers. "Tell me about why they leave?"

The Doctor blinked and frowned. She couldn't really remember the last time she had done that. Just talked about companions leaving to a companion. "Well, usually they leave me for various reasons. Some I have to leave for various reasons, some I get separated from them from outside forces and others die."

Yaz frowned at the death part but nodded at the others. "Tell me about some of these various reasons to why they leave you."

She grinned at that. Usually a companion leaving her hurt and it always would, but at least they got out alive and reasonably well. It was how it was meant to be. "I prefer it to any other of the way people leave. So, okay then. I'll start with the rest of the Fam then, since that just happened. Graham left for family. He got on board to help him separate himself from the places that hurt to be around while he dealt with his grief over the loss of Grace. He was fine either staying on or getting off. He was only here for Ryan for around a year now."

She sighed and laid her head back down. "Ryan left because he found a calling. He felt himself more important staying on Earth fighting off alien invasions from the home front where he felt like he was doing more good. Helping his friends and family to survive in a world gone nuts. He found what he was looking for in himself and knew it was time."

She grinned in remembrance of other companions as they flashed through her mind. "Some leave because they find love. Some leave because they find a home. Some leave because they can't stand the danger anymore. Some leave to keep me or themselves safe. Some leave because they get bored and or move on easily to other things, believe it or not. Some just outgrow it and slowly move on naturally as they go through their lives. There's lots of reasons people leave and none of them are bad."

For some reason that made Yaz relax a little. "That sounds good and reasonable then. What about when you have to leave them, Doctor?"

The Doctor picked up a biscuit of her own and took a small bite to give herself time. Once she was finished with that, she shrugged. "Sometimes the species of my companion is a problem to a place I was ordered to go, so I had to drop them home. Sometimes I do it to keep them safe from me or some other threat. I don't like goodbyes so I don't really like leaving behind my companions. I prefer it when they leave on their own. That's the way it should be."

Yaz frowned. "There's really not a lot that a companion can do to get kicked off right?"

She laughed at that. "Oh yeah, I've kicked off before. Wow, yeah, that has definitely happened at least once. I don't like betrayal very much, especially if said betrayal puts everyone in danger."

Yaz nodded at that. "Makes sense if that happened. I'm guessing the whole stranded on an alternate universe is the kind of thing that happens with the outside forces then?"

Nodding, the Doctor let herself finish the biscuit. "Lost to alternate universe, mind wipes, death, a lot of bad things can happen."

They fell into an uncomfortable silence. Usually this is something she'd enjoy. Just sitting down and yammering on while her Fam sat around and listened, or had their own conversations going on with each other. Now she didn't have that. She had Yaz and that was it.

Some part of her inside was burning with anger, another was trying to drown her in sadness and the rest was just... "Lost."

"Hmm?" Yaz asked, spooning some of the hot chocolate mix into their mugs, before getting up to heat up the kettle. 

The Doctor took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm angry, I'm sad and my life has been disrupted so much I don't even know who I am any more. I was relying on all of you to be there and you were, but you were all angry at me and I couldn't understand why because I thought I had been gone away less time than I was and then I lost two of you."

Yaz groaned out loud. "I understand that Doctor. It doesn't hurt us any less that you didn't mean it though."

She had to stop herself from slamming her hands down on the table. She closed her eyes and tried to block out her emotions. "I know that. I just got out of almost 20 years of jail time I couldn't get myself out of. Most of that alone, because I was in solitary. They even had me set up in high security so no others that I could see from my cell. And all this right after I just got the worst bombshell of my life dropped on my head. Everything was the same thing every day, give or take a change of prisoner every now and then for my daily walk for exercise."

She could feel Yaz staring at her. "You never said anything about solitary."

"It shouldn't have mattered! I get it, you were worried for me and thought I had abandoned you or died or something else like that and you worried. None of you were interested in my saying anything about where I was or what I was doing, all that mattered was that I was gone for 10 months! Two of you moved on with your lives. And I get it, I do! I don't like it any more than any of you did. And it just felt like all of you were so set on being angry at me for being late which wasn't even my fault and didn't care at all for anything I went through."

Yaz came over and put a mug full of hot chocolate in front of her. Her companion was being overly silent after what she had just said and now she was getting worried and she was so done with emotions being all mixed up. She picked up the mug, took a few sips and gave in to her turmoil and threw the mug at the nearest wall.

"I am done with this. I don't want to be angry anymore, but I can't stop it! I don't want to be upset, but know that's normal. Everything is just so messed up in my head. I'm going to my room. I'll see you in the morning."

She got up to leave, but stopped with a soft touch to her shoulder. 

"Doctor, I'm sorry. We never even asked..."

She gave a small smile that wasn't happy at all to Yaz and shook her head. "That doesn't make it hurt any less, does it Yaz? I'm going to go lie down. I'm so tired of everything right now."

Yaz nodded slowly and let go of her shoulder. They stood awkwardly in the room together for a few seconds, before she turned around to find where the TARDIS had put her bedroom. Thankfully, she found it rather close to the kitchen.

As soon as she was inside, she stripped herself of her clothes, found some nice thick and comfy pyjamas, put them on and crawled under the covers.

She hadn't slept in a proper bed with actual sheets for almost two whole decades. It felt like bliss.

Wishing to luxuriate in the feeling, instead she curled up, buried her head in her pillow and cried herself to sleep.

She hoped that she would feel better once she woke up.

She didn't.


End file.
